Missing Mother

Everbody wants to have high self-esteem. It just makes life so much easier, doesn't it. So why is that goal often so elusive?

Just about all of us would like to see some degree of improvement in the way we perceive ourselves. If only there was a magic pill that would make us feel bold, smart, rich, beautiful, and cute all at the same time. Yet, this priceless treasure called self-esteem seems to be elusive and volatile.

To make matters worse, everybody else seems to have it in abundance – so why can't I just grab a big junk of it and hold on to it, at least until I have secured this great job/lover/win?

Well, there is a reason for this: self-esteem is not a single, solid "thing" one can chase down, obtain and possess. It is rather a fluid quality that evolves naturally, when the obstructions that keep it from expanding are dissolved. These obstructions could be: traumatic (childhood) memories like rejection by your mother or an absent father, bad habits, fears/phobias, performance anxiety, or a poor body image. In other words, it is usually not a single negative event or circumstance that does the damage: It's the long-lasting, underlying, often hidden issues that erode our self-worth, often without our awareness.

O.K., there really is no magic pill to get rid of all these problems in a very short time, but there is something that comes pretty close: it is called EFT, and it is designed to take on everything that stands in the way of high self-esteem.

Let's say you had a father who told you that you were a failure and that you would never amount to anything. In this case, you could first tune into the pain and the anger surrounding this relationship and tap (do EFT) on these feelings. Most likely, memories will come up. Was there a specific situation when he put you down? What did you feel? Go through every memory and feeling. Often, the emotional intensity decreases immediately.

Another example: You have low self-esteem, because you are overweight. There are several approaches possible. Do you have any cravings? Tap on each and every one of them. Do you dislike your body? Tap on your specific feeling. Emotional pain? Get specific and tap on it.

Sometimes, especially with complex problems, it is more effective to do the tapping under the guidance of an EFT practitioner. However, any tapping on a specific issue and the pain, anger, or sadness that surrounds it, helps. Dissolve the negative emotions that control your life, and high self-esteem emerges – naturally.

Most of us get angry once in a while – and then we feel guilty, especially if we are female. Here are some ways to handle it.

I once asked a very quiet, timid "Missing Mother" client: "Do you ever get angry?" And she said: "No". "Never ever?" "No, never."

Well, this is for the rest of us. You blow up, your heart races, your muscles tensen, and you probably say things you are not particularly proud of.  Now what?

1. Take a deep breath. Accept it. It happened. Allow yourself to express one of the most common human emotions. Forgive yourself for being human.

2. Tap on it (do EFT). Be very specific! Just tapping on being angry at Bill or Nancy is not enough – tell the story, name what exactly about this person makes you angry. EFT is very effective when it comes to releasing anger.

3. Dig deeper. Often, anger is a cover-up for a more uncomfortable feeling. Usually it is either fear or emotional pain. Find out what the fear or pain is about and work on that. This takes courage, so give yourself credit for that.

4. Do not promise that it will never happen again. It most likely will. If you are frequently angry, the first goal is to decrease the outbursts.

5. Work on transforming frothing-at-the-mouth anger into being assertive  and standing up for yourself. Some people need to get angry first in order to achieve that. Especially when you had childhood trauma, like growing up with a missing mother or an absent father you need to work on getting your emotions balanced.

6. Find something to laugh about. Anger and laughter don't mix!

Supposedly more people are afraid of public speaking than of death. I don't believe this. Actually given the choice, most people would head for the podium, I am quite sure of that. However, it definitely shows how frightened most of us are of being seen and heard "out there."

What are we so terrified of? There are several layers to that problem.

First, there is our body. Being visible means, on a basic level, that your body is seen by others. When you enter a night club, stand in front of a group or class, are a public speaker, or just put your picture up at an online dating service, people will look at your body. 

Actually, many of these people will only be fleetingly interested in your body, but that doesn't help. Immediately, you will feel scrutinized, exposed, judged, and vulnerable. And that is a very uncomfortable feeling. What makes things real complicated is that it is not just about being thin, pretty, and wearing the right clothes. Yes, we tend to fret about that, but we all know beautiful women who don't like their perfect bodies or are constantly haunted by the fear that somebody else comes along who is "the fairest of them all".

I once talked to a woman who told me, casually, this: Whenever she goes to some kind of party or any other gathering of people, she first looks around if there is a woman who is prettier than she is. If there is none, she is o.k. If she finds one, she is miserable and tries to leave early. I responded laughingly that I would have never ever had the chance of staying to the end of a party if that was my rule. But actually I felt sad for her.

If we have problems with our body image, if we don't feel comfortable in our skin, we will feel shame of "exposing" our bodies in public.

I had an 68 year old woman calling me for a session because she was deeply disturbed by a recent incident: She was walking down Florida's posh South Beach, and a younger woman came up to her and said: "You really should not wear shorts at your age." Well, we got it settled by tapping (doing EFT), and she came to the liberating conclusion that this cruel remark said a lot more about that woman than about her legs.

Body weight, of course, is a huge issue when it comes to be appear in public as a body. Intense feelings of "not good enough", of shame or even self-hatred can be connected to being either too thin or, more often, too fat – whatever that means to the individual woman. Many women or girls remember upsetting remarks concerning their weight: "You look like a pig" (a father), "Nobody wants to marry you with that butt" (a mother), or: "Her face is o.k., but you can forget about the rest" (a boy to his friends, and everybody laughed).

If you don't have the "perfect" figure, women are often ridiculed or actually completely invisible to others. To brighten this depressing subject a bit up, I have a little story that a friend told me long ago: She is not just a bit overweight but downright fat (and attractive!). One day, she went to a shoe store to buy some real nice, expensive shoes. In that store she noticed a man who was obviously some sheik with his harem of (fat) women. All the women picked nice, expensive shoes. At the end, the sheik turned to my friend, looked at her with polite appreciation and said: "May I pay for your shoes, too, Ma'm?" And she let him.

Being judged and falling short in a public place is a deeply entrenched fear in most people. Sometimes, a single event in a person's life can set him or her up for being terrified on an ongoing basis. Often childhood events like abandonment and rejection by mother or an absent father come in.

Lilly (I changed her name) comes to mind. She was a very good student and excelled in writing and speaking. She always had done very well. Until she was 10 years old, and there was this contest for public speaking in her school. After several rounds she was in third place and posed to win. And then it happened. She froze in the middle of her speech. She couldn't remember a single thing, couldn't utter a single word. And all the teachers in the jury looked at her with disdain.

That would do it, right?

The best way to deal with all this misery is to bring it into one's full awareness (since it is so shameful we tend to push it down), and then work on the symptons, the emotions, and the traumatic memories that are attached to it.  EFT is a safe, very effective tool to do just that.

©2011 Carna Zacharias-Miller