Missing Mother

How to De-stress Quickly with EFT

Carna — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:54:13 +0000

There are days when your back hurts, the cat throws up in your bed, the car battery dies, your boss is way too bossy, and your emotionally missing mother tells you coldly to get over your childhood sexual abuse. Or something like that. Days when you are stressed out to the max and really, really don’t want to tap on all the issues that overwhelm you.

You don’t have to. There is an easier way. How is this: You don’t get into a single issue while feeling better in a very short time. Not perfect, not happy-happy, but better. There are days when that is all we ask for.

Remember that EFT is an energy modality, means it works with the subtle energies in your body. When you are stressed out, no matter what the cause, the energy in your body is blocked. So all you have to do is unblock the energy, let it move and flow again, and you will feel better.

You can do that with whatever phrases you like to use. Just to get you started, here are some of my favorites:

Even though I am completely overwhelmed and stressed out,
that is what I feel…this is where I am at…I accept myself anyway…

Then tap through the points:

I improve the flow of energy in my body
I allow myself to relax just a little bit
I treat myself with kindness and compassion
I soothe and comfort myself
I harmonize the energy in my body
It’s only energy!
Soften and flow
Soften and flow
Soften and flow
I restore the free flow of energy in my whole body
I choose to be balanced and centered
And I let it be easy.

Breathe deeply and tap until you feel better. Just get to the big issues when you are up to it, and shrug the small stuff off. (And you have to admit that the thing with your cat was actually kind of cute…).

Rendezvous with Cupid

Carna — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 20:08:16 +0000

I had a long heart-to-heart talk with Cupid about LOVE. We agreed that it actually has nothing to do with chocolates in heart-shaped boxes. (although I am a chocoholic). And it does not make you happy automatically. In fact, it can pierce your heart, sadden and scare you.

When did love hurt you for the very first time?
When did love make you happy for the first time?
How does it feel when love touches your heart now?
What is the physical sensation in your heart when you feel love?

Sometimes, you have to tame your wounded heart like a wild animal that got hurt in a trap. Slowly, gently, patiently coax it into opening up just a little bit more…and more…It might be easier to love rocks, plants, pets, or friends first before you step out and look for your one and only soulmate. It is all the same energy, and energy likes to move from one “thing” to the other.

And now, please pass the chocolates.

And Then There Is “Emotional Entitlement”

Carna — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 00:56:25 +0000

There is something that has been bothering me for a while, I want to call it “emotional entitlement”. While, sadly, many people are still struggling with feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and “What’s wrong with me?”, the other side of this coin seems to gain momentum. There are people who believe that God, the Universe, the World or their fellow-man owes them something. Actually let’s make that: owes them everything.

What used to be a gift, a miracle, or something surprising and joyful that arrives because of the genuine goodness of a person’s heart (like true love, a baby, the unexpected healing of a severe illness, or financial freedom), has suddenly become a right.

“I deserve love!”, a woman informed me with steel in her voice. “I am a good person, but God just doesn’t deliver!”, said another one angrily. And being a millionaire has become a matter of entitlement anyway. That much demanding and sometimes downright arrogance makes me feel uneasy.

What if you only think you are ready to have a baby right now, but you are not? What if it just is not your destiny to become rich because there is a different spiritual lesson about money for you to learn? What if your heart is not open enough -yet- to attract true love? What if you only know what you want but not what you need? What about patience, humility, and trusting that all is well?

Sounds soo oldfashioned, I know.

EFT For Feeling Not Good Enough

Carna — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:21:41 +0000

Men and women who had an absent father or a missing mother (physically or emotionally) in their childhood, often feel not good enough. EFT protocol for tapping on “I am not good enough”. Continue working on your personal memories, emotions, and body sensations.

KARATE CHOP

Even though I never feel good enough,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself

Even though I try so hard to be good, but it just doesn’t work,
I deeply and completely love and forgive myself

Even though there is always something wrong with me,
I honor and accept every part of me

Eyebrow: Whatever I do, it’s not good enough
Side of eye: Never good enough
Under eye: I am not worthy
Nose: If I am not perfect, nobody will love me
Chin: I work hard to get it just right
Collarbone: But it’s never enough
Under arm: I am completely exhausted
Top of head: It’s an uphill battle, all the time

Eyebrow: It’s so easy for other people
Side of eye: But I don’t have a chance
Under eye: I don’t deserve to feel good about myself
Nose: My father (mother) didn’t think I was worth it
Chin: This pain in my heart
Collarbone: Maybe they were right
Under arm: There must be something wrong with me
Top of head: This desperation

KARATE CHOP:

Even though a part of me still does not feel good enough,
I choose to listen to the wiser part of me

Even though I am sick and tired of this constant struggle,
I choose to relax now, and it is surprisingly easy

Even though I still have this compulsion to be perfect in order to be loved, I am letting go of my need to control everything

Eyebrow: I give myself permission to enjoy my life
Side of eye: I focus on my accomplishments every day
Under eye: I allow myself to relax and just be
Nose: The time for healing is now
Chin: I am perfect just the way I am
Collarbone: Love has nothing to do with being the best
Under arm: Love just is
Top of the head: I allow myself to do it my way

Eyebrow: I find a way that truly works for me
Side of eye: My life is joyful and serene
Under eye: The truth is, I am adorable!
Nose: I am free to be me
Chin: I feel safe and relaxed with other people
Collarbone: I feel deeply appreciated by Spirit
Under arm: I trust the flow of life
Top of the head: I choose to let my light shine now

Since When Is “Spiritual” Just Being Good?

Carna — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 00:06:19 +0000

How bad are you really? What lurks in the dark corners of your mind? You will be surprised and rewarded when you actually go there…

Isn’t if funny when you have the same theme come up with several clients in a row?It happened to me lately. It was basically about: “I should not have these horrible thoughts and emotions since I am a good, spiritual person”. By the way, whenever that happens, I know that it is my theme too…Now, I am not talking about upwelling feelings of anger, fear, frustration, and the like. We all know that these cannot be avoided since we are human. That’s why we tap, so they can be released and transformed.I am talking about longstanding, deep-seated, real nasty stuff. Here are some modified examples in order to protect privacy:- I hate the fact that my ex-husband married this bimbo. After all these years, I still look for every sign of their marriage breaking apart, and I wish that they suffer until the end of their days.

- I am so jealous that my friend got pregnant instantly, and I have been trying for years and failed. I heard that miscarriages are quite common within the first three months…

- A part of me is waiting for my old uncle to die, so I can get my inheritance.

Now, what do we do with that? On a low level of consciousness, we split our dark side completely off and project it onto other people. That is how hatred and wars get started. On a little higher level, we have a hunch that this is our own stuff, so we don’t act it out, but we push these ugly thoughs deep down and skip away, humming a merry tune. On a high level, we allow ourselves to be completely aware of these thoughts and feelings and own them without any excuses.

For some reason, the word “spiritual” has become synonymous with “good”, “light”, and “positive”. I don’t know how that happened. There isn’t a great spiritual teacher, master, or saint who has not encountered the utmost darkness on their spiritual journey (yes, Mother Teresa too, she wrote about it). Being spiritual means becoming whole, means breaking through illusion and self-righteousness. One of my spiritual teachers said: Be kind towards others, but be ruthless with yourself. That does not mean at all hating yourself. It means looking at yourself with complete clarity and honesty – and learning to love all of you. If you have experienced moments like that, you know how immensely empowering that is.

Where does EFT come in here? In a way, it is already built in as a default: Even though I am this horrible person, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Tapping on the obsessive need to be the “good girl (boy)” is helpful, especially if it is traced back to childhood patterns. Then, of course, the particular issue is examined. For example, the still festering wound of the divorce; the dispair of not being able to get pregnant; the anxiety of not having enough money.

The truth will set you free. Once it is put out there in all its shocking glory, many doors to healing open.

Releasing a Craving for Sweets

Carna — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 23:49:28 +0000

Food cravings often come from happy memories that are stuck in time. If you seperate the positive emotion from the food, the craving disappears.

34-year old Vivian (not her real name) wanted to get rid of her intense craving for sweets. Not only did she need to lose weight, but all that sugary stuff made her stomach feel bad. As a habit, she ate four cupcakes every night after dinner, plus lots of cookies in between. The cookies bothered her the most – they just were irresistible.

As with many cravings or addictions, there was a “Guiding Star” experience involved. This term, coined by Silvia Hartmann, describes a blissful peak-experience that is frozen in time. It becomes problematic when a person tries to repeat it, or a part of it, again and again (which, of course, never works).

I suggested doing a Matrix Reimprinting session. For more details about this expanded EFT technique, please go to Karl Dawson’s site matrixreimprinting.com At its core, it is about imagining tapping on a younger self. This is different from inner child work insofar as the younger self (Karl calls it “echo”) is not a part of the currently present person, but a separate entity stuck “out there” in the Matrix – the universal energy field. (Actually, more often than not, MR works directly with trauma.)

I asked Vivian to look for an event that could be the origin of her infatuation with cookies. She knew immediately what is was. When she was 8 or 9 years old, her mother worked at a bakery. This particular day, Vivian went there and helped the lady who ran the bakery to carry out some big buckets. She worked hard, and she was proud of herself. The lady complimented her and gave her cookies. Her mother said: “Vivian is the good one, she always does what she is told. She is such a good girl.”

Now, this might not sound like an outstanding experience to somebody who grew up in a normal family. However, several of Vivian’s family members were physically abusive, and her mother, overwhelmed and sickly, never protected her. So this bakery was like heaven for Vivian. She felt safe, appreciated, useful, and loved by her mother. And it all was tied to cookies.

Following the MR protocol, I had Vivian as her current self step into this bakery, introduce herself to the younger self and ask if we could work with her. The girl was very happy to see Vivian, but she told her that she really wanted to keep the cookies. We assured her that nothing was going to happen against her will.

Then Vivian imagined tapping on her younger self while tapping on her present self at the same time. (I have to say, while other people have no problem doing that, it fries my brain. I imagine tapping only on my younger self when I work on myself).

Addressing her in the second person, we tapped a round on:

Even though you believe that cookies and happiness are one and the same and cannot be separated, you are a great little girl.

Immediately, a huge wave of sadness, fear, and hopelessness flooded the younger self. Vivian was close to tears: “This is all she has, these happy moments at the bakery. She has nothing else to hold on to, she doesn’t think she can make it.”

We tapped several more rounds on these feelings (I knew what was going on since we had worked on the family trauma in earlier sessions).

Then Vivian was ready for the Change of Memory. The point of this is to show the younger self that she still can have the same experience of happiness and belonging, but in a different situation – in our case without cookies.

After our EFT rounds, the younger self was ready to leave the bakery. Vivian told me that she wanted to go to a new house. Only the grown-up Vivian and her three younger siblings were with her, the ones she felt safe with. In this new, enriched memory, they are all sitting in the front yard of their new house, playing with toys. Vivian assured the younger self that she would not leave, and that it was o.k. to be happy, not to worry, and to just be a kid. This was the perfect picture of happiness for Vivian, and we did the MR procedure to send the new memory into her body and out into the Matrix.

As a test, I asked Vivian how cookies and happiness are connected for her, and she said, “A cookie is just a cookie.”

Five days later, I inquired about her eating habits. As it turned out, she only had taken a little bite out of one cupcake and had not eaten a single cookie. Zero. Vivian: “It has not been hard at all. I just don’t want them anymore.”

Traumatized by Bliss!

Carna — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:43:22 +0000

Have you ever been hurt by a positive event? I know that sounds strange. Let me explain…

A positive, blissfull event that happened in the past can be as detrimental as a traumatic event – if you are stuck in it. Silvia Hartmann calls these frozen memories ”Guiding Stars”.

Here is an example.You were a teenager, and you experienced your first kiss. The scene: You and the boy you have been dreaming about for a long time are standing on a pristine beach at full moon, and you feel completely embraced, loved and enchanted like never before. He was like an angel come to earth.

Now, this scene in itself is just a beautiful memory. Nothing wrong with it. What makes it a Guiding Star are the conclusions you might have drawn from it. Like these:

I will never ever find perfect love like that again
If a man is not an angel, I cannot love him
Spirituality and romantic love are the same.

You see where the problem is? Can you imagine if you grow up with “post-hypnotic suggestions” like that how your love life will be? Not easy…

I once had a client who was very health-conscious, especially with her diet. There was only one thing: She ate way too much popcorn. Buckets full of it! At some point, we dug up the Guiding Star behind it: The only time her father used to spend one-on one time with his little girl was on Friday nights when the two of them were watching a movie and eating – you guessed what.

I am challenging you to search for Guiding Stars in your life. Many of them will have happened in your childhood. Pay attention to the “stuckness”, the conclusions that influenced your life. Take the memory apart, tap (do EFT) on those conclusions until they change.

Turning Off the Panic Switch

Carna — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:35:46 +0000

Childhood abuse can lead to severe symptoms later in life. One of my clients experienced multiple chemical sensitivity and panic attacks. Persistance and EFT helped her in surprising ways.

Megan had a very hard childhood with severe abuse and neglect. We have had many, many sessions focusing on different issues.

One of her main problems has been Multiple Chemical Sensitivity. Especially “smelly” people, means people using ordinary soap, shower gel, deodorant, shampoo, or perfume plunged her into severe physical discomfort and instant panic attacks. When I started working with her, she was practically housebound and feeling hopeless.

Right now, she drives everywhere, goes to her daughter’s extremely “smelly” school, talks to her son’s baseball coach right after he took a shower, visits her “smelly” siblings’ homes – and feels o.k. She still doesn’t like the scents, but she does not go into a panic attack and can handle it.

How did that happen?

Well, it happened in one session, actually within minutes in that session. (I will get to the HOWEVER later).

She had told me (and other practitioners), that when the smell hits her, it is like a switch in her brain that is being turned on. She feels the panic attack coming on, and then she is physically sick for hours or even days. We had tapped on Even though I have this switch in my brain repeatedly, but it didn’t have much effect.

One day, it came to me to ask her: “How exactly does this switch look like?”

Megan said: “Like an ordinary light switch, light beige. It is flipped up when it is on.”

“Well”, I said. “Why don’t we just fixate it in the off position? How can we do that?”

She said: “Duct tape. I am taping it down with multiple layers of duct tape right now. There is no way it can go to the on position.”

From that day on, no panic attacks, only mild to moderate discomfort with those smells. I have checked in repeatedly, and the switch stays securely taped down.

Now, this begs the question: If I had come up earlier with that simple question (duh!), could we have achieved this profound release much earlier?

Actually, I don’t think so.

These were the main people in her childhood who were abusive – and “smelly” (In case you wonder: Her mother was not abusive but weak, sick, and “out of it”).

1. Her father, using lots of aftershave, often flew into a rage and beat his children severely. One of the painful memories was an incident, when Megan witnessed her father beating her 4 year old sister with a belt after she had eaten his jelly.

2. Her much older brother using Irish Spring soap who beat and tortured her for years.

3. Her ”smelly” aunt who disliked her and let her know it in many ways. We tapped on one memory when the aunt took her daughter and Megan’s sister to the circus while Megan was not invited to go with them.

4. Cruel, “smelly” foster parents (she lived with several of those) who let her freeze in the cold outside for hours and punished her for things she did not do.

5. Rich “smelly” girls in junior high school who tortured her in the restroom because she was poor and didn’t belong.

We had tapped on these -and more- traumatic memories for many sessions. I do believe that all that work needed to be done before the switch was ready to be taped down.

Working on a Missing Mother with EFT

Carna — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 23:55:52 +0000

When I had my very first EFT session as a client, we went straight back to my birth. I released a deep, very painful feeling of abandonment, since my schizophrenic mother was unable to bond with me from the beginning. It was a powerful experience, and it made a believer and an EFT practitioner out of me.

EFT works without practitioners needing to have firsthand experience of the client’s condition, but it does add credibility to my work. When I tell a distressed client, “I know how you are feeling,” it is not just a comforting phrase, and it encourages her to bring all these dark, very painful feelings into the open:Even though my selfish mother just walked away…
Even though my mother did not want me…
Even though I hate my mother…
Even though my mother broke my heart…Growing up without a loving, caring mother implies much more than lacking a same-sex role model. It is devastating. Since the mother is the first basic caretaker, losing her –in an emotional or a physical way – starts a nightmare of deprivation for a child. In a way, it never ends. Many negative conditions and feelings experienced later in life have their roots in this extremely traumatic experience.

The women (and sometimes men) who contact me recognize themselves with shocked amazement when they read the symptoms of what I coined “Missing Mother Syndrome” (not a clinically established term).They feel lost, out of place, and unsafe in this world. There is an underlying deep sadness, even if there is nothing “wrong.” They tend to feel lonely, especially in the company of others. They are very sensitive to rejection of any kind. They are angry. They feel ashamed of who they are. They strive to be “perfect,” which causes constant stress.

There are two basic, very powerful emotions that always come up – anger and deep sadness. Some women start with the anger, and we work through it to reach the underlying pain of abandonment and/or not being appreciated for who they are. Others start with the sadness and allow themselves to experience the anger.

When I facilitated seven sessions over the phone with “Lilly,” she described herself as an overly compliant people-pleaser who did not dare express her artistic talents. She was very aware of the pain her alcoholic mother had caused her as a child. Tapping on the sadness brought up the powerful underlying anger:

Even though Mom was gross and embarrassed me in front of my friends, and that still pisses me off…
Even though I am so angry that we weren’t as important as my violent stepfather…
Even though nobody ever cared about me and my feelings…

“Rachel,” on the other hand, a competitive, intelligent over-achiever (“I never cry”), needed to push through her anger at her abusive mother to reach the underlying pain (10 sessions).

Even though I can’t let my anger go because it is the only connection to my mother. If I can’t have love, at least I have my anger…

She did cry, and it was a relief.

There is no one-size-fits-all protocol for working with these women. It is a very personal process, and I go with the flow (of the pain). Sometimes we end up with missing fathers or weight issues. There are, however, certain techniques that I use over and over again such as Tell the Story for traumatic memories. I often use guided gmagery before the tapping in order to get the client out of her head and into her heart, or to meet the Inner Child. I always ask where the anger and the emotional pain are felt in the body:

Even though I have this black hole in my heart…
Even though there is this constriction in my throat…
Even though there is this burning fire in the pit of my stomach…

The best sessions happen when I get into the “zone.” I start with the client’s wording, and then “something” in me takes over, and a humorous exaggeration (Even my cat throws up when she sees me…), or some profound insight just pop up. For example, when working with “Maya,” whose parents both were alive, we achieved a major breakthrough when I said out of the blue: I am an orphan.

Sometimes (not too early in the process), I work with Pat Carrington’s “Choices” method. This is a great way to end a session or the therapy because it gives the client something positive to “take home.” It is particularly useful when there are fewer sessions than actually needed, usually because of limited resources.

Even though I have this belief that I don’t deserve to be who I am…
I choose to allow my spirit and my soul to dance anyway she wants to.
Even though I sometimes feel like I’ve lost my faith in myself…
I choose to trust myself and to find the light inside.

Easing the emotional wounds of a “Motherless Daughter” is a lifelong journey. However, the results achieved in usually just three to ten EFT sessions -mostly over the phone- can be impressive. Some clients report “wonderful changes” and “miracles” in their life. They are able to connect in a more loving way with their children, they react less defensively in relationships, there is less tension in their bodies, panic calms down, self-esteem and joy grow.

Overcoming an Obstacle

Carna — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 23:40:38 +0000

Using creative imagination is a powerful tool for stress relief. Regain inner balance and emotional wellness by going to your “inner spa” and removing obstacles and barriers to your goals.

Make yourself comfortable. Close your eyes and go into deep relaxation.When you are ready, imagine a golden castle somewhere in the distance. This dazzling, glowing building is your vision, your goal, or your heartfelt wish, and just looking at it fills you with serenity and anticipation. Now start walking towards this castle – it is your burning desire to reach and enter it as soon as possible.But there is a barrier, an obstacle.What does it look like? Is it a wall, a fence, or something else? You may not see anything but suddenly feel an invisible resistance, like
an energy field or an electronic grid.When you have identified the obstacle, start working with it in a symbolic way. For example; if it is a wall, imagine getting a piece of heavy equipment in to tear the wall down. If it is a field of energy, try to pierce it with a word, a song, or some electronic device that switches it off. Do what comes to mind, however weird it might seem.

In addition, you can tap (do EFT) on the obstacle itself, your emotions about it, and the body sensations that are coming up.Work with this until you get the distinct feeling that you have overcome the obstruction.