Missing Mother

The Gifts of Highly Sensitive People

Carna — Wed, 16 May 2012 23:30:36 +0000

Recently, I re-read Elaine Aron’s groundbreaking book The Highly Sensitive Person. Many of you will recognize themselves as being in that category. You are easily overwhelmed by loud noises, strong smells and crowds of expressive people. You have been labeled as too sensitive as a child, are easily hurt by the negative energy of others, and you need a lot of quiet downtime. Since you might have been the only one in your family like that, you always thought, or were even told, that there is something profoundly wrong with you.

Don’t be such a cry-baby
You are fine
Get over it
It doesn’t bother me
Come back when you feel better
What’s the matter with you?

These are some of the phrases you might be familiar with. Add your own and, by all means, tap on them.

However, today I want to point out some of the tremendous gifts that go with being highly sensitive:

1. Sensory awareness
You choose clothes just by their colors (I do), you love heavenly scents like essential oils, your heart is often carried away by music even if it is in an elevator, and you like to touch everything and everyone. You also love nature, the arts, and beauty in all forms. This openness enriches your life immensely.

2. Feeling the energy of people and places
Yes, this can be stressful, but it also brings so much richness and depth to your life. You can feel a burst of instant pleasure when you walk into a place that feels good to you. You are able to connect at the spur of a moment to people just because you like them “for no good reason.” And you can trust your intuition to get information others just don’t get.

3. Emotional awareness
Some (maybe many) people don’t seem to know the first thing about themselves or others. Can you imagine? Not really, because you roam in your inner worlds, have empathy with others, you often just know what’s going on, and when you don’t, you delve deeper to find out. It is exciting, it is fun, and it opens your heart. If you do dumb things (and you do, naturally), you learn from them. Ahhhh.

4. Creativity
This does not need much explanation. To be creative in any field, you have to go beyond the proper and universally agreed upon, and play with things that make you happy. Yes, happy.

5. Spiritual awareness
There is religion, and there is spirituality, and highly sensitive people are usually more drawn to the latter. You have access to realms that others cannot even dream of, you are adventurous, conscious, and all your discoveries give your life purpose and meaning.

Now, who right in their mind would want to give all that up for living in a boring comfort zone?

Happy Mother’s Day (kind of)

Carna — Thu, 10 May 2012 23:15:26 +0000

Here it comes again: Mother’s Day. For seemingly everybody a day of flowers, gifts, cards, hugs, shared meals, phone calls, tears, smiles…However, for many of us not a happy day. I have to admit, with all the profound EFT work I have done on my own missing mother, this day gets to me, year after year. There is no mother. There never has been a mother for me. And I don’t have children.

I have tried it all: Ignoring this special day completely, getting extra busy with other stuff, and, of course, tapping. Yeah, it helps a little bit, but not really. So now this dreaded day is upon me again. And if I see one more jewelry or flower commercial on TV…!

Then a friend and colleague of mine (who has a loving mother and is the mother of six children, for crying out loud) had an idea. She said: “Make it Sister’s Day”. Okaaay. I have a half sister but we are not close.

She explained it to me: This is not about your biological sisters (although if you happen to have one you cherish, by all means include her). This is about Soul Sisters. It is about all the women in your life you feel connected to, appreciate, love, have fun with, admire and just could not do without. Yes! That made immediate sense to me. I am fortunate enough to have many of those in my life (dare I include my clients?)

And so, to all of you whose hearts ache for whatever reason when they think of Mother’s Day: Happy Soul Sister’s Day!

How an Absent Father Causes Conflicts in His Daughter’s Work Life

Carna — Wed, 02 May 2012 16:49:28 +0000

I want to continue the theme of “Getting down to business” this week with republishing one of my articles: How an absent father can influence his daughter’s work life. It seems important, and I am sure that many of you will recognize themselves. Awareness is the first step of healing.

A source I used is Pamela Thomas’ book Fatherless Daughters.

A woman who has not been guided, protected, encouraged and lovingly challenged by her father as a child and adolescent, is often incongruent, lopsided and highly emotional when it comes to her work life. Although nowadays most mothers also work, and many of them have sophisticated, well-paid jobs away from their homes, this is a relatively new development in the history of mankind. Traditionally, it has been the father who occupied the role of main breadwinner and whose work was important, valuable, and looked up to.

Here are 7 main conflicts in the lives of women who grew up with an emotionally or physically absent father, and they are often played out over and over:

1. The strong desire to be competent, independent and in charge versus the need to please and be liked by bosses and coworkers. This sends mixed messages and can lead to emotional entanglements at the workplace. Some of them create drama, while others lead to intense internal struggles.

2. A quest for glamorous, very visible professions (like actress, artist, journalist, politician) versus strong fears of being visible and the painful need to hide. I call it the “visibility conflict”.

3. The strong motivation to have a great career, to “make it big” versus the childlike wish of being pampered, supported and taken care of. This often creates resentment about having to work at all and lack of perseverance when the going gets tough.

4. The need to feel safe and secure financially versus being drawn to “risky”, non-mainstream professions and negative emotions about money coupled with incompetence in money matters (“I can’t be bothered”).

5. Either adoring men in authority and having illusions about them, or distrusting and fighting them every step of the way – and often both at the same time which can hurt chances of promotion.

6. The fear of having to compete at the workplace versus either completely giving up and avoid competition at all cost, or being overly aggressive. And sometimes both at the same time which makes the situation even more complicated.

7. Deriving all self-esteem from work and career versus having a big hole in the heart when observing other women balancing their work and family life seemingly without effort.

Ultimately, having had an absent father is the call for a journey that can lead to emotional growth, independence and empowerment for a woman.

Getting Down to Business with EFT

Carna — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 19:15:37 +0000

Everybody who has put much energy, time, and resources into the business of their dreams and cannot make it work financially knows how extremely frustrating and scary that can be. And everybody who is stuck in an underpaid, boring job is bound to experience negative feelings on a daily basis. Not to mention the stress of being unable to get paid work at all.

Time to do something about it. The first thing to realize is the fact that all your painful emotions are not “just” about your professional situation. If you take this seriously, you have to go beyond pointing the finger at “the economy” or your jerk of a boss. Start at the surface (what am I feeling right now, including body sensations), and then go deeper. Do you see certain patterns that go through your work life, like quitting too soon or arguing too much? How about your general self-esteem, fear of being visible, or inability to take criticism? Where do these patterns come from?

Abandonment and rejection by your mother or an absent father can play into all these patterns and scary emotions, and it takes some guts to uncover them and commit to change.

This EFT script will get you started on your professional healing journey. From there on, follow the trail of your memories, feelings, and, yes, yes, yes, positive shifts. See you at Starbucks, the Apple Store, or an eco-friendly trip around the world.

Karate Chop:

Even though I am stuck, and there is no way out,
this is what I feel.

Even though I am overwhelmed and confused,
I treat myself with kindness and compassion.

Even though I feel scared, angry, and hopeless,
I soothe and comfort myself.

Eyebrow: I am stuck with my business (job situation)
Side of eye: I don’t know where to turn
Under eye: I don’t know what to do
Nose: There is no way out
Chin: I am overwhelmed with this situation
Collarbone: I have no idea what I am supposed to do
Under arm: It’s so scary
Top of head: I am angry at everybody including myself

Eyebrow: I have been trying so hard
Side of eye: I can’t (don’t want to) do it anyway
Under eye: I am all alone in this
Nose: There is nobody around to support me
Chin: It’s such a struggle
Collarbone: That’s it, there is no solution
Under arm: It’s pointless
Top of head: This fear, this anger, this hopelessness

Take a deep breath.

Eyebrow: I am dissolving and overcoming my barrier to success now
Side of eye: This barrier
Under eye: This obstacle
Nose: I find creative ways to get this barrier out of the way now
Chin: I transform this barrier into a steppingstone towards my success
Collarbone: I allow myself to melt resistance away
Under arm: I reclaim my sense of power
Top of head: I am stepping into my personal power now

Eyebrow: I allow myself to relax
Side of eye: I choose to let go of all my tension
Under eye: I am turning this whole mess over to (Divine Spirit)
Nose: I receive valuable soul guidance now
Chin: I trust the wisdom within
Collarbone: It is easy, it is natural
Under arm: I know that all my problems are already solved
Top of the head: I am guided and cared for – always

Download Free EFT Manual

Carna — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 05:42:40 +0000

Just in case you don’t know about this top EFT website, here it is: www.EFTfree.net Along with Betty Moore-Hafter, Lynne Shaner, Ange Finn, and Jade Barbee, I am responsible for this site. There are many articles, from Addictions to Weight, written by various EFT practitioners to be found, and every Sunday we add a new one. Check out the Core Principles of EFT, or AAMET certification trainings. Our signature product is a comprehensive EFT Manual that can be downloaded for free.

So hop over and visit: www.EFTfree.net

Using EFT for Spiritual Growth

Carna — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 02:10:11 +0000

Since EFT is such a wonderful method to work from aches to zits on everything, we sometimes forget its awesome spiritual context. Gary Craig who developed EFT, has stated clearly:

The main purpose of EFT is to pave the way towards love’s Presence (i.e. Grace). Our physical and emotional wounds tend to distract us from this spiritual birthright.

If we have chronic severe back pain, are angry with our boss every day, or feel generally unworthy of love, we struggle for our physical and emotional survival instead of living gracefully. So doing EFT on whatever keeps us from relaxing into our center, is spiritual work. However, skillful Art of Delivery (done on your own or with a practitioner) can take this much further.

I will never forget a powerful spiritual break-through I experienced with one of my clients. “Claire” grew up in a family with several abusive members. The worst offender was a brother who was ten years older than she was. He tortured and beat his little sisters so severely that they often feared for their lives (the father was abusive himself, and the mother too weak to take any action).

One night, the parents were gone and 5 year old Claire and her 3 year old sister “Kim” were alone at home with this brother. He started attacking Kim viciously and beat her until she was lying motionless on the floor. At that point, Claire threw herself into the scene, pulled her sister up and dragged her out of the house to neighbors. She yelled: “Help! Help!” until the neighbors opened the door.

The neighbors looked at the two little girls, told them coldly that they did not want to have anything to do with this and shut the door.

It was dark, Claire did not know what else to do and went back home with her sister. In the meantime, the brother had calmed down, and the rest of the night was peaceful.

First, we tapped for a long time on the shocking behavior of the neighbors (I had to borrow benefits since this upset me too). After that Claire switched to intense anger at God: How could he allow such a situation, how could he be so cruel?

Then a powerful shift happened: Like lightening strike, Claire had an insight that came from an entirely different realm. She understood, from a spiritual perspective, what this event was truly about: It was not about preventing the abuse or getting rescued by others (who then would have been given the credit, be it God or the neighbors). It was about being a hero and taking her sister out of a very dangerous situation until their home was safe again. If God or the neighbors had rescued them, Claire would not have had that crucial experience. It was about showing her how compassionate, courageous, and resourceful she was, even as a 5 year old. Today, 40 years later, Claire is a strong, happy woman.

Viewing a situation from a higher level of consciousness or what I call the Soul Perspective, is a hallmark of “spiritual EFT”. All of a sudden, the whole truth of a situation is revealed, it is like switching from flatscreen to 3D. Sometimes you look from above down on the scene as if it was a drama played out on a stage, and it is only from that viewpoint that you can see the whole picture. When that happens, you understand that there are no victims, only spiritual lessons, eternal love, and expansion of consciousness.

Learning to love and accept ourselves is fundamental for a spiritual life – and that aspiration is built into EFT not only as a default (I deeply and completely…) but into all reframing phrases. I choose to be at peace. I treat myself with kindness and compassion. I listen to the wiser part of me. I am willing to forgive myself. This is not “pounding in” positive affirmations, it is gently stimulating personal evolution which is always evolution of the whole.

There are many ways to do spiritual work. Some of them are entirely uplifting and joyful. What we do is Shadow work, in the Jungian sense: Enlightenment is not imagining figures of light but making the darkness conscious. Not that popular in our fun-driven world but deeply purposeful for those who dare.

People who do EFT in a committed way learn to be brutally honest with themselves, stay in the Now (“what am I feeling right now?”), are willing to let go of projections which is blaming others for their problems, and strive to be of service to their fellow travelers. If humility wasn’t such a primary spiritual virtue, we could have a bragging party.

When Money & Love Are Related

Carna — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 01:08:53 +0000

Have you noticed how similar our language patterns are when we talk about the lack of money – and love? Always a struggle…never getting what I want and need…not worthy…this yearning…

Maybe it is time to connect the two and tap on this painful “not enough” feeling. Doing EFT, you might discover some connections you have never thought of. Memories can pop up, body sensations might get your attention, or strong emotions like deep hurt and anger shine a bright light on the real issue that is hiding behind the lack of money, like an emotionally missing mother, an absent father, or sibling conflicts.

Here are some tapping phrases to get you started:

Even though, there is never enough money or love in my life,
that is where I’m at

Even though it’s always a struggle to get enough money and love,
I improve the free flow of energy in my body.

Even though a part of me believes that I don’t deserve to have more money, I choose to listen to the wiser part of me

Never enough money
It’s always a struggle
It’s so difficult to receive money
I have to work hard to make enough money
Maybe I don’t deserve money
I am not worth it
I am angry at money
I am always running out of money

I don’t feel cared for and supported
This yearning for love and money
I never get what I need and want
Never enough love, never enough money
I feel deprived of appreciation and money
Money is scary, I’m afraid of it
Love is scary, it can hurt me
This constant deprivation

Maybe I don’t deserve love and money
This humiliating need for love and money
This feeling of shame around love and money
Always deprived of love and money
Nobody cares about me
Nobody gives me what I need
Out of money, out of love
It feels so hopeless

I choose to move forward now
I reclaim my sense of trust and safety now
Loving is surprisingly easy
I am aligned with my vision of love and my financial success
I am letting go of all that old love and money pain
I feel relaxed and confident
I feel safe and serene now
I trust the flow of life

Take a deep breath.

Hurtful Questions You Never Forget

Carna — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 23:28:37 +0000

Mothers and fathers can do serious emotional damage to their children by asking them aggressive rhetorical questions. Do any of these remind you of your childhood?

- What (the hell) is wrong with you?
- Can’t you get anything right?
- Why can’t you be more like (Bill, Jane)?
- Why do you get more (stupid, lazy, clumsy) every day?
- Don’t you have anything better to do than (read, daydream)?
- Why are you doing this to me?
- Are you always that (dumb, bad, useless)?

Of course, these are not real questions (if you ever tried to answer them truthfully, you know what I mean). They are utterances of negative emotions, and from the parent’s perspective, not always vicious but expressions of frustration and exhaustion.

However, a little child with her (his) highly sensitive energy system feels hurt, scared, shamed and powerless, especially if these kind of questions are repeated over and over, and the parent is yelling.

EFT to the rescue. Dig out these childhood questions and tap on them. Include not only the wording but the body expressions (like pinched lips, clenched fists), and the tone of voice. If your first language was not English, by all means use the language of your childhood.

In my experience as a practitioner, the first question (“What’s wrong with you?!”) is especially devastating since it implies that there is something profoundly wrong with you, and you just can’t find out what it is and fix it.

So ask (and tap if you wish) this question: “What if there was nothing whatsoever wrong with me?” Don’t let your mind answer it, just let it hang in the air and be.

Then see how you feel.

Want a Heart of Gold?

Carna — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 17:54:35 +0000

Check out the new EFT pattern “Heart of Gold” created by Silvia Hartmann. It is simple and empowering on many levels, from the physical to the spiritual.

I HAVE A HEART OF GOLD

Are You Always Trying Too Hard?

Carna — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 01:35:09 +0000

If your mother (or father) did not approve of you, criticized you all the time, and generally did not appreciate you for who you are, you tend to try too hard to get it right for the rest of your life. You have a need to be perfect even if it doesn’t matter, you are afraid of making mistakes, and you want to get everything exactly the way it “should” be. And so you push, agonize, over- think, and force yourself on a daily basis.

This leaves you exhausted, frustrated, and hopeless since it usually does not do the job. Actually, trying too hard often blocks you from getting what you want, like trying too hard to be loved.

Here is a little EFT script that gets you started on releasing this counter-productive attitude.

Even though I am always trying too hard, that is where I’m at
Even though I am angry and exhausted from trying too hard, that is what I feel
Even though whatever I do is not good enough, I am willing to accept myself anyway

Now start tapping and move from point to point with each phrase. Do as many rounds as you like to release this issue.

I am trying so hard, all the time
I am always trying to get it right
It’s never good enough
I am never good enough
They will judge me no matter what
What is it with me!
I should not make mistakes
I should get everything right
It’s all my fault
I am completely exhausted
My energy is depleted
Nobody cares about me
I can’t go on like this any longer
It’s impossible to please my mother (my father)
This frustration
This despair
Other people have it easy, I don’t
This anger
So disappointed in myself

I let all this tension go and allow myself to relax NOW
Relax
Calm
Safe
Easy
Release
Relief
All is well

Take a deep breath….Continue working with feelings, body sensations, phrases, or memories that came up during the tapping.